Key Words and Phrases for Wedding Planning

Gary and Erin and I planned Erin's wedding a couple of years ago and we learned some things about weddings that I think we should share. The most important thing is that weddings have their own language, and it's neither Hebrew nor English. It's the language of Money. If you think you know what that photographer means when he says "Budget Wedding Package," think again. Here are a few helpful words and phrases to help navigate the treacherous waters of wedding planning:

Wedding: Most people think this word refers to an event at which two people in love formally commit their lives to one another while family and friends look fondly on. Wrong. This word is an adjective which means "Empty your wallet." For this reason, never use this word when discussing the cost of flowers, dresses, food, or anything else. Pretend you're just having about 150 friends over for dinner on Saturday.

Budget Wedding Package: See above. When talking with photographers, this phrase specifically refers to the series of photos that does not include the bride, groom, wedding party, family, or ceremony. It usually means the photographer will snap a couple of photos as he drives by the church or hall on his way to make some real money on some poor suckers who bought the "Deluxe Wedding Package."

Deluxe Wedding Package: The photographer will be waiting in the brides's bedroom when she wakes up on her wedding day to document her first bleary eyed mumbling and the bridegroom will have to throw him out of the honeymoon suite at the end of the day.

It's Just Perfect for You: Every time the bride-to-be tries on a dress, no matter how bad it looks on her, the sales girl will utter this phrase. Trust me. The dress could look like you wrapped yourself in Grandma's table cloth and tied it on with nylon ski rope and the sales girl would say this.

Wedding Dress: A very difficult phrase to translate. Note that the word "wedding" is involved. Some people think it refers to a nice white dress worn by the bride during the ceremony, and this can certainly be the case. However, it also may mean a garment large and elaborate enough to prevent the groom from standing within reach of the bride during the ceremony and costing enough to ensure that the couple's first three children must be sold into slavery to pay for it.

Bachelor's Party: Again, this phrase has many meanings, but it's original meaning is generally still true today. It was first conceived as a drunken brawl during which the groom and his 5 or 600 best friends play cards and try to remember why they don't do this more often. Ideally, it was celebrated the night before the wedding and it was the best man's duty to ensure that the groom arrived at the wedding site on time the next day, preferably sober, and had not inadvertantly married the stripper that his friends hired during the festivities. Pretty much still holds true.

Bridal Shower: The bride's version of the above. Except that instead of playing cards the women will play really exciting games like "How many different words can you make out of the bride and groom's names?" and "Let me tell you about the terrible labor I had when my oldest was born." Not for the faint-hearted.

That's a start. Anyone with additonal helpful hints is encouraged to add them here. I will try to add others as they come to mind.